Posted by Adam on September 16, 1997 at 19:24:21:
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
by Adam McDaniel
(to be sung to "The Raiders' March")
His name's Indy --
"Doctor Jones."
He likes digging
up some long-lost bones.
There is one thing
that he hates...
More than Nazis, and spiders, and boulders, bugs and rats --
IT'S SNAKES!
There's this lost Ark
(not the boat).
Hitler wants it
so he sends out Toht...
Indy's hired
by the Feds,
'cause this Ark may be holy, but it can blow up people's heads!
Indy races
on a plane,
to Marion...
(She is one tough dame!)
She can outdrink
anyone...
but she's captured by Nazis, and Arabs in Cairo
-- not fun!
Indy thinks that
she is dead.
He drinks whiskey
to clear up his head
But he has an
enemy...
It's his rival, named Belloq. I wonder, which victor
will be?
Indy enters
the Map Room...
After reading
Ra's warning's of doom.
When he finds out
where it is,
he discovers the Nazis' measurements were wrong but
not his!
Sallah and friends
go to dig.
They find the Well
of the Souls -- it's BIG!
But it's filled with
nasty snakes!
(Now remember, I said that it's the thing above all
he hates!)
Indy goes down
in the Well...
Faces cobras,
and he thinks, "Oh, HELL!"
He and Sallah
find the Ark --
It is golden, and pretty, and mighty -- for it is
God's mark!*
(*I know, I know...I needed a rhyme.)
Nazis appear
and quite mad.
They throw the girl
down the Well -- she's had!
She and Indy
bitch a lot...
They are trapped in the damn Well with mummies, and snakes -- Oh,
"Mien Gott!"
Indy climbs a
big statue.
Knocks it over --
And they're FREE -- oh, whew!
But the battle's
not over!
Indy now must stop a plane, before it gets to the
Fuhrer!
A big German
beats him shit...
Marion's trapped
inside the cockpit!
Indy ducks low --
The plane's blade
shreds the Nazi to pieces! Wow -- what a great escape
they've made!
Now a truck chase
will ensue.
Indy rides off
on a horse pursuit.
Nazis come from
every side
to kill Indy.
He is thrown off the truck and will be crushed. How NASTY
-- oh my!
He goes under
the big truck...
Climbs back on and
wins the day -- No FUC*!
Indy rides off
in the sun!
And the Nazis? Well, they're pissed, but they shout, "You haff not
yet von!"
Marion and
Indy sleep
on this big boat
'cross the ocean deep.
But the Nazis
find them out...
They take the Ark, Marion, and sail off. Is THAT it?
(Don't pout...)
Indy follows
the U-boat.
How he'd do it?
'Cause he can not float!
'Tis no matter
after all...
Considering the number of people with tickets
who saw!
Indy's captured,
put in cuffs.
After Belloq
outsmarts Indy's bluffs.
Could it be that
all is done?
For the first time in movies, could it be that bad guys
have won?
The Ark's opened --
Nazis looked.
Our heroes don't
so they won't get cooked!
They're the victors
after all!
With the grosses RAIDERS made, no wonder they all said
"SEQUEL!"